I had a therapy session yesterday and it ended with the thought of being too hard on myself. I have that critical voice that seems to always linger. It’s a constant battle with this part of myself, sometimes it’s exhausting. When I get burnt out this is the voice that tells me that I am weak and to stop being lazy. This is the voice that tells me at the end of the day that I didn’t do enough. That I should’ve said this instead of that. I should’ve done this instead of that. Why didn’t I think of this or that?
It criticizes my need and want to connect with others. “You don’t need anyone else, you can do everything on your own”. When I feel a need to reach out to others then I am being needy and nobody likes a needy person. When I take time for myself it tells me that I am being selfish. When I take a day or two to just not really do anything and stay in my PJ’s most of the day then I am lazy. When I take a few hours of a day to just be alone with my thoughts and feelings or to exercise then I am neglecting the people around me.
This is when the compassionate part of me needs to learn to step up and tell me that it’s ok to put myself first. It’s ok to have these wants and needs. It’s ok to take time for myself. It’s ok to take a few days here and there to just do nothing. It’s ok to want alone time with my thoughts and feelings and to exercise.
Growing up in a dysfunctional family and community I was programmed to feel guilty for putting myself first. I was guilted into believing it’s not ok to have needs and wants or feelings. I am learning that I can’t change other people around me and the change starts with me. It’s hard doing this self-healing work and then realizing the dysfunction in the people around me. These people have been programmed this was as well so it’s nobody’s fault. The only thing I have control over is the compassion that I can feel for myself and for others around me. It starts with myself.