I was in a depressive state last week and I became aware of all the negative thoughts and beliefs that were running through my mind. During these episodes are the most important time to have compassion for myself. I get thoughts that I can’t accomplish anything. They tell me I am not good enough to accomplish my goals. Who am I kidding to want to build an empire? I am nobody. I am damaged goods.
Another thing I notice is that I can be such a bitch during these episodes and I am aware that it is because of how I am feeling about myself and not other people. This is something fairly recent that I have learned about how depression can mess with your mind. It makes me want to shut everybody out and isolate myself. When I was younger I never smiled at anybody and that was something I had to teach myself to do so I can look a little more approachable. I can be in so much pain that I will do everything in my power to push people away and not show any vulnerability. It was an armor I put up so there was a lesser chance of being hurt by anyone.
I will always be prone to having these depressive episodes. Mental illness runs in my genes and with experiencing complex trauma since childhood that just makes it even more likely that I will suffer from this illness for the rest of my life. I do give myself a lot of props for how far I have come but I know I still have a lifetime to go. I have to continue to be gentle and kind to myself. I used to believe that somebody or something else could make me happy and feel better about myself but those are all false beliefs. Happiness starts from within and it can start with just being kinder to yourself and everyone around you. We are all fighting our own battles.