Being a mother is hard. I feel for those women who have to do everything on their own. The ones that have no partner to help them out for whatever reason. These women deserve so much props.
I grew up with a single mother and watched her struggle with some help from my grandparents. She was stubborn and proud and refused to receive any food stamps. She was never home because of her pride. She is one of the hardest working people I know. True immigrant spirit. She never took a vacation and would have her vacation time paid out to her at the end of the year. But even when she was home she was not present with my brother and I. I used to hold so much resentment towards her because of this. Now that I am a mother myself, I can look back at everything that was happening in her life at that time, I forgive her for not being there for us. She hardly had any time to herself to just relax and decompress. She would workout most days of the week to try and relieve stress. The few times I did see her relaxed she was zoned out on the tv and drinking wine.
I understand and feel for her and any other single moms out there. This shit is hard. What prompted me to start writing about this was that I was home all day with my son and his father just left the house with my son. I am so grateful for these few hours that I get for just myself. I feel like I can breathe. I can focus some of my time to just myself. On top of that, today has been another bad day and so my body aches and all I want to do is lie around, which is impossible when I have an energized toddler running around the house that needs my full attention.
I feel so guilty when I am not with him. I always worry that whatever I am doing is hurting him in some way. That he will end up resenting me when he gets older because I was not there enough for him. The one thing I try to be most aware of is the quality of the time we have together but when I have these depressive episodes it can be difficult to be “on” for him all the time. I express my love to him with affection and I engage with him as much as I can manage. I tell myself that no parent is perfect so I cannot expect myself to be and I try to allow myself to believe that I am doing my very best and he will be ok. I am extremely grateful that my schedule allows for me to stay home 3-4 days out of the week with him. That is a lot more time than I ever had with my mom as a child.
If anything, becoming a mother has helped me with my time management skills because I don’t have much time to procrastinate if I want to get shit done. I have to discipline myself to create the kind of life I envision. It will take hard work and dedication but I don’t have any doubts in myself that I will succeed. I have managed to get myself this far, I know there is so much more for me to come…